A Letter To My Gran

Dear gran,

Looking at an empty page, I know exactly what I want to tell you, but I guess this makes it real, that you’re gone. I miss you with every fibre in me, so much that I’ve managed to blank you out as though you didn’t exist. But that’s the problem, you did exist and you were my most valuable player. I think of the what-ifs and I fantasise of having more time with you, but we both know that it would have never been enough.

I was already spoilt with 25 years, but that doesn’t make it any easier. You know that losing you was my biggest fear, but I never expected it to hurt as much as this. Somedays, it feels like I’m drowning in my tears – helpless and afraid to continue my life without you. A few days before you passed, I asked everyone to give me some alone time with you because I knew it would be my last chance. You had your eyes closed, but I know you could hear me singing to you. I was awash with sadness, but I needed you to hear my I love you one last time. Seeing you again the morning of the funeral was surreal, you were cold to the touch but you looked at peace and despite that lump in my throat, I think that alone gave me the strength to read your eulogy without crying.

I realise how lucky I am to call you my grandmother, you taught me the importance of being kind to anyone and every one and you showed me how beautiful love can be. Mum is hurting, and I don’t know what I can do if I can’t bring you back. I see it in her eyes, she is carrying a pain so deep that she hasn’t even come close to feel yet. All I ask is that wherever you are, you look after her. In the next couple of weeks, we’re going on holiday to Mallorca and I know that’s what you would have wanted, but it’s bittersweet. I don’t know how to approach your birthday, what with it also being mums. The 5th of September is a dread I’ve felt since you died but right now I want to take it day by day.

I’m sure by now, you’ll have seen everything that unfolded in December and I know that your heart would be bleeding for me, but I want you to know that having you around me unaware of what was going on meant more to me than I can express. A part of me died with you, but I’m trying to discover who I am without you. I’ve gone on holiday, I’ve started dating but more impressively I skydived!!!!! I know, you thought I was bonkers, but I promise it wasn’t that scary. Plus, I was sat on a hunk which made the whole experience a dream. You would have found him attractive too! I’m thinking of doing the Inca Trail or something along those lines next year, to raise money for Alzheimer’s so whatever I choose to do, it’ll be in your honour.

Until next time sunshine.

Love always,
Nat

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