We went from 3285 days consumed by one another to 365 days apart. Sometimes I catch myself thinking of yesteryear; we were getting ready for our trip to Las Vegas and then just like a flick of the switch, we weren’t.
For the first three months, I was inconsolable.
Everywhere I looked, you were there, every song reminding me of you, each time the pain just as intoxicating. You were my best friend for over a decade, and I was grieving for a future that would no longer be ours.
To you and the outside world, it seemed like I was living my best life. But in reality, I was just on auto-pilot. It wasn’t until gran died that it knocked me for six. I went from having everything, to losing two of the most important people in my life five months apart.
At my most vulnerable, I hoped you would save the day, just like we used to talk about.
Instead, we both know what happened.
Everything altered for me July 27th, skydive day. As though I was meant to be on the last jump of the day, I spent the day riddled with anxiety, we were texting back and forth but something wasn’t sitting right with me. Regardless, I decided to block everything out and enjoy the jump and that’s exactly what I did.
Like every beginning, middle and end, this was mine. With the world moving silently as I overlooked from above, I realised that I had outgrown you. I think we’d been outgrowing each other for a long time, but I was petrified to admit we failed. Maybe you were too. I often describe our finale like a shattered mirror, over time we began to crack but once it broke, our pieces didn’t fit together anymore and that’s ok.
Things could have been handled so differently on your part, but I could never regret the story of us.
You were the best first love I could have asked for because you were what I needed at the time. We were 16, oblivious, reckless, unaware and madly in love. That said, with hindsight, I appreciate that I wasn’t perfect and I’m sorry for the part I played in the breakdown of our relationship.
I may not be ready to rush into a new relationship, but I know what I want going forward. An equal, who champions my ambition but still helps me reign in my fire. Someone who will inappropriately laugh with me and isn’t afraid to be a bit nerdy. A guy that adds value to my life and accepts me for who I am, flaws and all. The friend I need to keep my level-headed and a romantic to fuel my spontaneity. A man confident enough to communicate what he wants but willing to meet me in the middle.
When you first left, I often thought about where I would be today and it feels bittersweet as I type away, because I owe you everything for breaking my heart. I’d never have broken yours and maybe because of that, we would still be together but unhappy. I know it’s been hard for both of us, but I want to thank you because I’ve rediscovered myself through losing you.
I’m excited about who and what’s to come.
Look after yourself Walsh,